nothing says a new cinema snob episode like a bowl of ice cream while watching it!
You're eating ice cream? I'M EATING ICE CREAM. This is some weird coincidence.
It's a pretty sad thing to be disappointed that you don't see The Ninja Turtles have sex.
Thought you'd want to see Some Turtle Action http://eznewlife.com/animation_photos/724.gif
This is turtles practising sex: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9e2iwM2qP8
So it's like seven minutes in Heaven.
Wouldn't mind seeing the April from the 1990 movie in a porno. Not so much this current one...
Judith Hoag? Hell yeah! She's still hot, much more than Megan Fux if you ask me. I think she's in the new movie. . . for some reason.
Also, I'm offended how much (much, much, much) better the Turtles, April & Casey look in this cheap, carefree, porno joke of a movie compared to the "serious" movie we're getting.
Oh also also, WHOA! Why is the "Spreader" played by a woman?! Everyone knows only men can be ninja master warriors! HAW! More Hollywood reverse sexism, political correctness bull corn! (sarcasm)
Aaand, Judith Hoag have way better acting skills too
Ha yeah! Wait. . .
Megan Fux has "ACTING". . . "skills"?!
-frantically takes notes for future franchises-
Hah!!! You're so insecure with your own cock you made Pain & Gain, totally not a gay movie by the way. You'll probably make the turtles have 12 inch cocks just to compensate for this movie.
Why do the turtles in this porn spoof look better than the turtles in the Michael Bay movies?
Because you have a hatred for anything with Michael Bay's Name on it. You know it's true.
While it is indeed true, the fact doesn't change that the CG turtles look like shit.
Why this turtles look better, you ask? Two words: MIchael Bay, that guy can only make explosions look good in this movies.
You know... people shit on Michael Bay a lot, but he directed 'The Rock' which was fucking great, but people conveniently forget this fact jumping on the hate bandwagon...
Btw, Armageddon is hands down his worst movie... YES I JUST FUCKING SAID THAT
Yeah, that and Bay Boys were his two not-shit movies... because he had Don Simpson over his shoulder, reining Bay in on his bullshit.
Is it correct to assume that you haven't seen Michael Bay's The Island then from that statement?
Otherwise known as ripping off the plot from Parts: The Clonus Horror wholesale?
I was very unlucky to have seen that movie due to going on a winners' trip to an amusement park for a radio contest. The car van showed not only The Island, but also Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Those are hours of my life I want back.
And also, isn't it incredibly sad that the movie Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffed on (Clonus Horror) is actually better than Bay's The Island?
I rank Armageddon lower than The Island for the simple fact that, that movie ruined Aerosmith for me, forever. That fucking song was inescapable in '98.
Ah, a right step into redemption. This was your best episode in a LONG time. Keep up the porno spoofs.
You have my support, buddy, while Brad's reviews are always good, this time seems like the good ol' times. Funny how porn spoofs were the good times... º_º
This did feel like an old episode, circa 2008.
Brad should've put on a fat suit, sat on the floor, turned down the lights, and added in post the sound of a slight hum of a running mini DV camcorder for this one.
I was skinny in 2008 =) I didn't get fat till later.
Okay, so I know this is going to seem slightly out-of-place (this is probably the WEIRDEST video I could have picked to write this comment out on but I promised myself I’d do it as soon as you posted something new so… here we are) and I don’t honestly expect you to care about what one silly person has to say out of the sea of other comments you get but I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am to have somehow stumbled upon your videos a week or so ago. Life hasn’t been incredibly kind to me this year but watching (and catching up with) your stuff has been one of the few things that make my days actually bearable to get through.
Thanks for doing what you do and for bringing some very much needed laughs to just some sad person on the internet.
You are where I was about two or three years ago.
Videos from Brad, Phelous, and Lupa made my life better when I was at my low. It's nice to have something positive and simple to look forward to.
Fist up to you. I understand. Shit will get better.
I know what you mean. For me it was four years ago when I started having trouble with my legs and ended up in a wheelchair. At first they thought it was a herniated disk in my lower back they found during an MRI but the operation to fix that did nothing.
Took them another two years to work out that it was Lyme disease and treat it but by then the damage was done. They keep telling me that as long as I do the in home exercises they gave me I can recover but I've been doing them for awhile now and all I do is tread water.
Anyway, these videos helped me keep my chin up and keep going on.
I actually knew about this porno's existence, sadly.
From what I've read about pornstar April O'Neil, she named herself that because she is a big TMNT fan, and I don't blame here for it. Also, she has an awesome April O'Neil cosplay.
The turtle costumes in this movie are slightly better than the E.T. costume in that E.T. porn starring Capri Anderson, but that's not saying much.
6:15- You mean more on fire than the retcon about Captain America being an agent of Hydra the whole fuckin' time. I doubt it.
6:35- Nice one, April. =D
I think they didn't show the turtles fight "The Spreader," because no one in there right mind would want to see four mutated reptiles have sexual intercourse with an attractive woman wearing a "Sexy Shredder" cosplay. ...But we DO see April giving the turtles handjobs. ...Ewwww.
OMG this was one of the saddest, most wretched and funny episodes! I mean, there have been way worse subject matter "reviewed" on this site, but the fact that such an awful idea for a porno was done so lazily and badly really makes me laugh. I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard
Well, the guy who got the costumes tried really hard atleast...
Wow.....just lazy. What's sad is that they actually made some damn good costumes for this, complete with functional dicks that shoot liquid, you'd think they'd use them for more then just some half assed tugs and more legit sex.
Hell, this is lazier then the latest ET porno where ET just fucked one chick and the rest of was normal sex, Jodi Taylor at least gave legit oral to the prop dick and legit took it up the hooch.
Yeah I mean...from things I've come across purely by accident on the internet, there's a potential market for TMNT porn with the turtles themselves, given how many people draw it.
Foot Job, wasn't that Irving's version of the FJ nickname people around here gave Hadley?
i opened for a band that "Casey Jones" played bass for, back in the day. I've lived a weird life.
Thanks, now I'm begging for the Michael Bay Ninja Turtles film now. At least that was close to being an actual film. This... thing shouldn't have the right to exist. The worst part though is the meta humor. Please porno writers, leave the meta humor to Phelous, you're a porn, stay that way.
So, apparently, on the Wood Rocket website, this porno is readily available for watching. And the spoof has at least one fan, judging by his comment:
"First thing : Great parody guys. Really liked the song , the decors, costumes and the script. Loved the action , the positions April took and the camera angles. Second : Where do I throw my money at for a part 2 ? Third : Spreader needs to be in it. Some constructive criticism : The lighting needs some work. Some great camera shots had very poor lighting , making April's pussy indiscernible on a couple of occasions. There's a couple of green spots on the screen from a green light and there were times when the only well lit areas were behind the actors , instead of being in front. I understand that less lighting may have been a deliberate choice in order to make it more like a sewer and if that is the case , I would suggest moving the lights to offer better lighting toward the camera, making the actors better lit and the background still shadowy. I really loved the video and your work. Great job !"
This dude needs serious help. He takes his porno spoofs way too serious to be giving constructive criticism.
Everyone needs a hobby.
Nutshell, Brad? Or half shell?! (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง
By the way, the reason behind Spreader don't had much screen time was clearly because they were saving some stuff to the sequel, too bad it never happened, I bet would be fun to see her deal with 4 prostetic dicks, or maybe the Foot Job (constituted entirely of females) could show us why they have this name...
How new is this thing? It has to be from last year at the earliest, given the Trump reference.
It must not be that new, they failed to mention that Trump is secretly the Supreme Leader of ISIS.
Or that he's the Second Coming of Hitler, an actual supervillain who's going to deport all non-Aryans and usher in the nuclear apocalypse. Brad really undersold the 'FEAR TRUMP! FEAR TRUMP!' narrative pushed by the media- orphans are small-fry compared to all the blind disabled Mexican Jewish war widows Trump is apparently personally herding into electrified gas chambers.
Cuncha dunga! (I think I speeled that right).
Thanks for the laughs Snob
spelled, not speeled.
Actually is "Konchadunga" from the word concha (shell/clam) in spanish....and in Argentina (my country, btw) is slang for pussy :P
So, much like the Bay film, the focus is on April and not the turtles. This might be one of the most accurate representations of a film done by a porno.
Yeah but Bay Turtles was better than this AIDS filled garbage can. At least that's a movie. This is the porno equivalent of dying of rat poisoning.
The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out.
Steve Buscemi, a crew member who is diagnosed with "space dementia," looks at the turtle fucking and adds "This place is like Dr. Seuss' worst nightmare."
"Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles" reportedly used the services of nine writers. Why did it need any? The dialogue is either shouted one-liners or romantic drivel. "It's gonna blow!" is used so many times, I wonder if every single writer used it once, and then sat back from his word processor with a contented smile on his face, another day's work done.
Staggering into the silence of the theater lobby after the ordeal was over, I found a big poster that was fresh off the presses with the quotes of junket blurbsters. "It will obliterate your senses!" reports David Gillin, who obviously writes autobiographically. "It will suck the air right out of your lungs!" vows Diane Kaminsky.
If it does, consider it a mercy killing.
I liked it.
Is it sad that you have to kind of admire the effort put into the costumes?
Except for Splinter...er, I mean Sphincter. What the fuck was that monstrosity?
Snob forgot to mention Master Sphincter is a boss character in AVGN 2 Assimilation after facing the Horny Brothers
It's clearly Josh Hadley. He's returned for a cameo in a shitty Splinter costume. A fitting metaphor to his personality.
And yes, it's okay to admire the costumes on display here. The Turtles look pretty good, better than the TMNT 3, Coming Out of Their Shells, Turtles Christmas, Turtles Tunes, Bay Turtles AND Next Mutation Turtles combined. Shame that it's in this shitty porno spoof that's 10x Worse than any of those things.
Can someone paste a link for where to order/stream this movie?
It's all on the Wood Rocket site...
I swear they have a Spongebob Squarepants one where a woman fails to suck a dick because she has a fishbowl on her head...
Fantastic review, Bradley. Channel 69 is clearly part of the liberal media establishment. Although, it appears Trump won in the end, since April got schlonged.
This, however, has sparked my interest in a remake of Ghostbusters with the Ninja Turtles as the Ghostbusters. It would probably be better received than the all-female Ghostbusters movie.
Speaking of which, I'm looking forward to porn parodies of the female Ghostbusters film. Plenty of opportunities for lesbian scenes as well as poorly-made CGI ghosts screwing the ladies.
And I'll bet it'll be funnier than the real movie as well.
... Well, at least the suits looked decent.
Also I think this is the most recent thing you've done as the Snob. (I just checked)
Wait, a porn parody with a clever name?!?! I'm pretty sure that's been against the law since Reagan!
I don´t know if a Ghostbusters porno spoof exists or not.....but I would like to see a review of it made by you Brad!! XDDD
Is there Christian Porn? Not like porn parody, but porn with a strong Cristian message, Cuz if there is that would be the ultimate Snob episode.
He did one with Sodom and Gamorra the Last Seven Days. It featured a talking space monkey with John Wayne's voice and Crazy Fat Ethel. It's very Old Testament.
No, what I mean is a movie that combines the message of things like God's Not Dead or War Room or one of those "inspirational" movies with hardcore humping.
It's odd but if you do a search for a porn parody of God's Not Dead the first thing to show up is SNL's parody of God's Not Dead. How weird is that?
I guy catches his wife lezzing out with the neighbor lady, so he decides to fuck the gay out of her.
^ That's disgustingly realistic. It'd probably end up being marital rape too.
No he doesn't decide anything. He realizes that god wants him to fuck the gay out his wife, but it's too late and the next day they find out the wife has lesbian cancer. and is going to hell. But her soul is saved when she renounces sin and spends her last day on earth helping orphans.
Now a widower, the husband starts getting sexually urges, but can't commit the sin of Onan (which by the way is really bad sin) so he has to find a new wife. However, even though he is godly man the new marriages keep failing. We soon learn that this is because Satan is playing tricks by setting him up with non virginal wives. Eventually the Christian now multiple widower, learns of Satan's foul deceit and it ends up in court, Meanwhile it turns out that Satan's lawyer is a is a virginal Christian appointed by god to test the mans faith. Satan loses, he keeps his faith and is then free to marry the lawyer. It ends with them on their wedding night going at it like a pair of barn doors in a tornado, only in a deeply Christian and moral way that results in triplets 9 months later. .
I haven't got a title worked out yet.
God's Got Head
Cast The First Bone?
Jerk Hammerin's Craving Mistress
I think the closest thing is the "sex tutorial" type of films, like the black one he reviewed several months ago. I don't know any that are particularly religious but there probably is one somewhere.
Someone should make Biblical porn. For instance, the story of how Lot's daughters got their father drunk and had sex with him to get pregnant.
Kudos to the title card artist. He draws the comic turtles very well.
Hey Brad, always glad to see continuous new content but as a horror fan, aside from F13 I feel like I haven't seen you take on a slasher in a while. I've seen some unbelievable shit on shitteo shit recently, including "Things (1989)," "Sledgehammer" and "Blood Lake," and they are all begging for the snob treatment. The latter two are in full on YouTube, which is good since these piles of trash are rare. Thanks again for suffering for our entertainment!
It's been awhile since he's done a "snobby" film too. Maybe some Kubrick to drink your Klinker Brick wine with. The Shining, anyone?
Some of the older archived videos of 2009 were brought over from the youtube account before thecinemasnob.com was created, so please forgive the lesser video quality of such as some did not transfer well.