Just seen this pop up on Facebook. Brad, you amazing bastard, you've made my day.
I caught this on late night TV as a teen. "Bo Derek? Might have nudity".
Well, I half got my wish. Which is to say my brain got fucked.
Now to watch the episode (and I swear to god, if you praise this as a lost gem, I will hunt you down).
I'm actually kind of tempted to watch this movie. I don't know where I would find it, though.
I just finished the episode. I take it back! I'm staying far away.
you know Brad, you may push it back but one day you will have to review Megaforce.
I prefer Super Megaforce. Watching them turn into other rangers is hella cool.
...more like megafarce.
I'll admit Disney did so some good things with PR, Neo-Saban has run it over with train and burned the ashes.
Gokaiger did it 199x better. Check out the movie 199 Hero Great Battle. The GOOD version of the Legend War.
If Lloyd and Harry saw this movie, I assume they would be the only ones who loved it because of naked Bo Derek! Thus, the origin of their Bo Derek poster!
British television cropped the bottom half of the nude shots.
No wonder you lot wanted independence.
TV across the pond wont do nudity of any kind, unless you pay for premium channels, then you can see that sweet 70s trim.
is this suppose to be a horror movie cause it seems like this was at one point some sort of psychological thriller but got turned into a comedy but bad
I thought this was a porno from the cover
Just have him possess Whoopi Goldberg, then he can do it, Isn't this common knowledge?
This movie needs to be shown 24/7 on every channel in Iowa during the presidential caucus. In between loops of every other insane thing Trump has done.
I live in Iowa, and I already hate Trump as much as Kim Kardashian hates being a smart person.
or at least an alternate means of punishment just show this movie 365 days a year in a room with only one tv, no channels and this playing no stop and cannot be shut off at all
Brad, would you rather watch Nuckie over this, or is Nuckie still the worst film you've ever seen?
but the real question is.....is it old fashioned bad?
My god, this was bad:P
WOW. Just...oh my gawd. What a heinous piece of crap! The review was really really funny tho :D I laughed the whole way through. Thank you
Just so everyone knows, no Abominable Snowmen were harmed during the making of this film, just sheared and robbed of their dignity. And someone really needed to wipe that Vaseline smear off the lens in 1989.
On the plus side, having Catwoman play an Angelic Bimbo was interesting, and I can't get too angry at a film that gives us gratuitous Donald Trump wheelin and dealin while maintaining maximum douche chill, outraged priest enlightenment and surprise elephant rides. And I'm convinced Anthony Quinn thought he was filming a sequel to Zorba the Greek during the film shoot.
LOL This was hilarious! Maybe the funniest episode since The Lonely Lady. The film looks to devoid of a point other than Bo Derek to be naked and emotionally have sex with Anthony Quinn. Ew. Need to watch this it looks toxic and atrocious!
Damn, this movie is bad. I'd rather watch a marathon of Nukie and Oscar.
Just when I think you've given us the biggest "What the FUCK?" movies that exist, you somehow manage to find and present to us an even bigger one. Um...thanks? ;)
I suppose it's no coincidence that the 1980 RAZZIE for Worst Achievements in Film, which went to "Heaven's Gate," _barely_ won out against John Derek's "Tarzan, the Ape Man." His directing must have started to turn toward terrible with "Fantasies," some time between when it was filmed in 1973, and its release in 1981 (yeah, go figure that one out!). Perhaps he was going through some personal, mental, relationship, and/or addiction issues in the 1970s? I really don't know, but for his films to go SO bad in less than ten years, maybe there were extraneous influences.
Lastly, how is it that this was released only one month *before* 'Ghost'? I could've sworn, while watching your review, that was the movie they were attempting to rip off, but with only 1/1,000th the budget, and 1/10,000,000th the talent. Was John Derek somehow the 'original' Uwe Boll?
There's nothing to "figure out" there. "Fantasies" featured tons of nudity of an underage person the 46-year-old director of the movie was statutorily raping at the time. You do the math!
And this movie was later nominated for 7 Razzie Awards, and won 4, including Worst Picture (tied with The Adventures of Ford Fairlane), Worst Actress (Bo Derek), Worst Director, and Worst Supporting Actor (Donald "I'm gonna run this country to the ground when I'm president" Trump).
CORRECTION: I just looked at IMDB'S Bottom 100, and this movie is listed in the #57 spot, just between I Accuse My Parents and Boggy Creek II (which you will obviously review some day).
Where the fuck did you find this movie?
It really is like this movie was trying to be bad. I mean, how do you fuck up like this by accident?
Even The Room and Troll 2 were hilarious in so doing, this just looks miserable.
I don't know about the rest of you but I laughed my ass of at that truly awful edit with the gunshot at 7:26-7:31. I mean it. It had the giggling uncontrollably. Good episode as always Brad.
At least To Catch a Yeti had Meatloaf, Birdemic had the CGI birds, and Manos had Torgo. This was just painful to watch someone watch. I also wouldn't put too much stock in the IMDB Bottom 100. It doesn't include Nukie.
To be fair, it's because under 1000 people have rated Nukie on IMDb. And 169 of them need to be flogged for giving the movie upwards of one star. (Not saying people can't have their own opinion but... for crying out loud, it's Nukie!)
wow, just wow, it looks like it was written by a crazy 6 year old child.
So who is worse in terms of "I'm a director, now drool over my hot wife!" department? John Derek, or Paul W.S. Anderson? Milla Jovovich is certainly a better actress than Bo Derek, but on the other hand she and hubby seem to derive sadistic pleasure out of butchering the RE franchise.
The king of the "look at my hot wife" sub-genre was Roger Vadim. John Derek was basically just the bargain bin version. Both made a career out of marrying much younger women to build films around. Paul W.S. Anderson is more like Rob Zombie He simply always casts his wife as the female lead.
John Derek was more consistently bad, but his stuff is bad in a bland way. Roger Vadim had Barberella and Pretty Maids All In A Row which are more WTF than bad,
Barbarella is one of my favorite movies.
Milla Jovovich is exactly like Wesley Snipes. They're better actors when they don't talk.
...Well that was fucking terrible. I'd rather watch the 80's Endless Love than this thing.
...Actually I think I'd rather watch RAPE SQUAD than this...
this is the WORST adaptation of the musical Carousel
Wow. This was really painful. As much as I loathe Trump, he was slightly a better actor than Bo Derek in this. Even if it was a bit scene. The Penetrator made more sense than Ghosts-Can't Do It.
Looking at John Derek's directing credits they are all horrifically bad films. They all seem to be aching to be porn but without the actual hardcore scenes. They just lack any artistic merit. Can't believe I'm saying this but say what you will about Uwe Boll but he even had films that had some so bad it's good moments somewhere in them. Derek's films are just inept and really creepy and exploitative.
Would you believe me if I told you that Derek turned to directing because he was fed up with not being challenged enough artistically as a "pretty boy" actor?
It's almost as if the borderline retarded son of a millionaire who has to file for bancruptcy every few years decided to become the president of the country he lives in...
LOL really? Not familiar with his acting but god all his films he directed are so bad. Like I legit felt awful for Richard Harris in Tarzan, the Ape Man. He tried to make it good but christ it was hopeless such a train wreck. Derek seemed to only want to pose his wife in sex scenes and in erotic situations which is just kind of creepy.
Though was listening to You Must Remember This Podcast today and apparently Polanski wanted Sharon Tate to play the lead role in Rosemary's Baby. Which is pretty messed up.
I miss those wacky "Coming soon to home video" trailers. They can make a holocaust movie sound like a wacky Disney animated feature.
Remember that time Bo Derek tried to claim she had trouble getting work because she's a Republican?
Sure. That's why Bo. *cough*
"Don't forget about the boogeyman pit"... I'm sure that makes just as little sense in context. Well, now I've got a new random phrase to confuse people with.
For 30 seconds following that line, all I could think of was, "uhhhh, anyone wanna explain the boogeyman line? Anyone? Is a boogeyman gonna show up in a bit? Hello? No? Nothing to say about the line? Well, guess not...guess we're just moving on then. 'kay..."
So now I have "don't forget about the boogeyman pit" to go alongside "beware the sacrilege". Just add that to the pile of purple monkey dishwasher.
As one who often deals with communicating with spirits, I am very much offended by how inaccurate this movie is! For one thing, a spirit or ghost does NOT need to kill a guy to possess him/her.
Just a heads up, I am getting an error on this site. All the videos show up as a TWC search page, as if blip is down or something. Might not be a big deal but something to keep an eye on.
Nevermind It has been fixed. Sorry for the false alert.
Here was my screenshot I took for future reference..
I remember watching this on Cinemax back in the day. Although I never watched more than about 10 minutes of it because it was so boring. I never realized it was completely insane too.
Brad Thank You. i needed this i haven't laughed so hard in the last week
The title card reminds me of "Cocoon".
I had so much fun watching this video with my little brother (should I be watching the Cinema Snob with my little brother?). We laughed so much.
One of the best parts was where the Snob asks, "What's wrong with his belly? Does he think that's where his ass-hole is?" To which my brother added, "What does he think this is? 'Caligula'?" He probably shouldn't know what that is, but it made me happy nonetheless.
When I saw the title card, I just screamed out loud:
Hey, Brad. Out of curiosity, is this a worse romance than "Old Fashioned" in your opinion?
This was a romance so bad that it gave my friend diabetes. It's an unholy battleship of unfunny jokes and cancerous acting that it makes me ashamed to be a part of this earth.
If you want to see a better movie about a ghost trying to hook his widow up with a new guy, watch "Asso" with Adriano Celentano.
Another good movie about a ghost trying to hook his widow up is Truly, Madly, Deeply with Alan Rickman.
Apparently this is a whole genre, and Ghosts Can't Do It is the worst entry. Of course Alan Rickman's character came back to help his wife move on and live her life, not to have sex with her by possessing a corpse, so there are some differences.
Fuck you movie, quiche is delicious! Stupid, stupid rat creatures...
But seriously, it hurts to see Anthony Quinn in this shit...well, okay, a LOT of things in this movie hurt to see, but man, does Quinn rank up there on the "too good for this movie" mountain. Was this like a Nic Cage or Meatloaf situation for Quinn? Dammit, I need to watch Last Action Hero now or something. Maybe catch a few episodes of Hercules on Netflix.
And hey, we managed to squeeze in another Billy Jack reference!
I really think this might be the worst movie you've ever featured on this site.
In what dimension is this worse than "E.T. the porno" (first ET-porn featured here)? i mean... at least nobody is fucking a garbage bag with a vagina.
Oh my God...this is supposed to be a romantic comedy? This is the first one I've ever seen that doesn't have neither in them, just soulless and mean-spirited intent. Seriously, I thought "The Back-Up Plan" was one of the dumbest pieces of shit ever, until I saw this review!
Also, btw, I think the reason why they did the whole "black box in the sky" thing is because done due to pure laziness and/or tight budgeting. They couldn't be bothered to do a cool ghost apparition effect, like they did with the movie Ghost, so they resulted in this non-nonsensical, shitty black background set with a slight slo-mo blur filter on the actor as the so-called "ghost". That's right...a movie about ghosts doesn't even have any real effects in it...I think Brad didn't realize that this movie is absolutely awful in more ways than one. lol
Why is she wearing eye makeup in the shower? Were they really so lazy they didn't want to bother putting it on her again?
Bo really had that "not enough facial skin stretched over too much skull" thing by the time this movie was made. She looks as if she's in a permanent state of surprise over how bad her line delivery is. "Botox face" before Botox was even a "thing". Truly avantgarde! Then again, Anthony Quinn sounds as if he's reading from a dirty piece of paper in a dim room while he's reaching around for his glasses and having a severe asthma attack.
It's always nice to see my favourite anti-leaf blower activist Julie Newmar in something / anything. Her presence really doesn't help to make Bo look less like a completely talentless bimbo, though.
The Cinema Snob's "eeeeeew!" noise should be made into a ringtone. Someone get on it!
Fantastic review Snob! One of your best. Highly entertaining!
Oooh, 'Rat poison', not "Bat pussy"! In that scene with the white witch, I seriously thought for a moment that Anthony Quinn suggested Bat Pussy as a means to have sex with a corpse!
Looks like the Snob finally found a movie worse than Nukie and To Catch a Yeti. At least those two movies had the excuse that they were geared more towards kids. I wonder how they got Anthony Quinn and Donald Trump to star in this. Must have promised them that Bo Derek would blow them.
The scary thing is what movie could be possibly worse than this?
Trump would be at the opening of a letter if it meant he got some money out of it. The man is the living embodiment of "whoring one's self out". Personally, the only thing I want to see with Trump's name on it is a bullet being fired from a .500 Magnum into his malformed head.
AS for Quinn, I highly doubt any BJ or paycheck is worth starring in this abomination. Even if Bo Derek's filatio skills are the stuff of legends. My guess would be that the director had some serious dirt on Mr. Quinn and blackmailed him to do this. I'm talking "crawl space filled with dead children" type of dirt.
Someone needs to alert the Geneva Convention about this movie and have it removed from public viewing. Cause even the review of it alone would be considered an act of torture.
so this is worse than black rage? lol
Lets get back to the Horror films Brad! Those were the original films, not just pornos.
Now the movie is number 55 on the IMDB Bottom 100 and why the hell did you not scold Lloyd for being in the movie
What was this movie even trying to be, anyway? I'm so damn confused by all the random intersections, and I'm starting to believe John Derek intentionally set out to make something so indescribably bad that you need to see it to believe to know it's real and not some SNL joke without a punchline.
The only bright side I see to this, is that now someone has a fun way to sabotage Donald Trump's presidential campaign.
"If Ghosts Can't Do It, What Makes You Think He Can?"
You know, if you do some rewrites and a few music changes, this could be a horror movie
sometimes i worry that shows like yours might start running low on material after hundreds of episodes, but then this appears. and it's not even a b movie or foreign. you'll be doing this even after you become a ghost, but who do we kill then for a new body for the snob?
Eh, I nominate Bronson Pinchot for the sacrifice or Dr. Claw from that crappy Inspector Gadget movie. The world would be much better off either way.
Looks like somebody was may more concerned with working out his age-difference issues with his marriage than making a watchable movie.
This is the first Snob review I ever watched, and so it holds a special place in my heart. Even though the movies is ass to the wall batshit insane. Still, so many funny lines. Especially fond of the "Easy, boy, you're about to be made into shoes!" Also, just saying it here: all your MST3K refs and repeated riffs really make my day.
Is "Porno Holocaust" still 'the worst fucking film you've ever seen', Snob?!?
Some of the older archived videos of 2009 were brought over from the youtube account before thecinemasnob.com was created, so please forgive the lesser video quality of such as some did not transfer well.