finally a realistic dinosaur movie!
Oh Heaven's Gate took a random and bizarre turn. :P (kidding of course!)
Hold on, I want in on this. Okay...page 34, page 34, lessee what we got...Ah, Bram Stoker's Dracula!
"...gave them, which their Berserkers displayed to such a fell intent on the seaboards of Europe, ay, and of Asia and Africa too, till the peoples thought that the werewolves themselves had come"
Hey, werewolves, and coming ones too! Kinda fun in that "The Howling" sort of way. Let's see what Joseph Heller's Catch-22 has to offer on page 34:
"Yossarian knew what he meant. 'That's not what I meant,' Doc Daneeka said as Yossarian began scratching his back. 'I'm talking about cooperation. Favors. You do a favor for me, I'll do one for you. Get it?' (ooh, a little show-me-yours I'll show-you-mine! Let's continue!). 'Do one for me', Yossarian requested. 'Not a chance', Doc Daneeka answered.
...FUCKING COCK-TEASE! Okay, Let's try "The Diligent" from one of my college history classes, and a little something for Slaver Brian:
"He complained bitterly that the Guinea Company, by monopolizing the slave trade along most of the African coast, had 'deprived us of a chance to make great progress in trade and navigation in relation to the American islands".
Okay, that one wasn't as sexy...thankfully, but hey, this Page 34 game is kinda fun! Could it be that this movie predicted Rule 34? It truly was ahead of its time...except in budget.
The fuck? You're trying way too hard, dude.
But I didn't even get to the corny sound effects yet!
Wow, are you Retarted?
This makes When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth look like Quest for Fire!
I opened to page 34 of Dune and this is what I saw
" Oh-h-h, the Galacian girls
Will do it for pearls,
And the Arrakeen for water!
But if you desire dames
Like consuming flames
Try a Caladanin daughter!"
hahaha okay this was perfect!
Thanks to this video, I'm going to be eagerly awaiting page 34 to every book I read.
Maybe this was the movie's way of making up for those terrible Skeever jokes. At least it's promoting literacy...and amusing out of context innuendo.
Totally unrelated, Brad.... but the LA Beast managed to make Pepsi bring back Crystal Pepsil. Check out his latest video and you'll see for yourself.
He knows, believe me, he knows. And that was before you and about 100,000 missives from twitter .... ;)
As soon as I saw the original Beast tweet, all I could think was "Oh no.... poor Brad!"
Oh my God, I actually remember this movie. Classic 90s Skin-emax. I remember some of these actors from such greats as "Bikini Car Wash" and "Bikini Drive-Thru". Would love to see more episodes on this subset of cheesy skin flicks, brings back much nostalgia.
Ugh, what are dinosaurs doing in this Cinema Snob review? This show use to have class.
I actually saw this before on cable three years ago!!! Great Choice, Brad!
This was actually a horrendously acted jungle porno disguised as a rejected "Carnosaur" sequel, spinoff, or whatever with the familiar puppets cuz that film had a series right? Right on!
By the way, I am looking forward to your "Carnosaur" episode, right?
What the? What happened to the rest of the "Heaven's Gate" review? :/
There will be a break for another movie in between the 3 parts, I mentioned at the end of the first part that this week would be a dinosaur movie.
Ah, I thought that was a joke. Sorry bout that.
It was a joke.Doesnt mean it wasnt true.
I know this is off topic, but did you hear about Crystal Pepsi may be back soon?
There's an article like that every other month.
Okay, page 34 of "What if Go were the Sun?":
'Once again, I realize how good it feels for the house to be filled with joy and love of family and friends.'
I think you might find something sexy in that...
Okay any movie with Michelle Bauer in it, is tops in my book (she played brunette Miss June). She tended to be in these Bikini/Skinemax flicks back in the day.
But eww, they paired her with Turbo?! She really had to play suckface with the actor, and it looked kinda convincing, so great method acting on her part while he was mauling her breasts.
And Turbo was the VA of the weird British black doctor who Faye Valentine owes money to in Cowboy Bebop??? Whoa, why does the guy who looks somebodies frumpy past this prime dad get to be in so many projects with hot women (animated or live). Turbo's living the actor's dream.
But the fact that Corman got both Olen Ray and Wynorski to do a film together is kinda strange. I'm guessing they were cool with each other and wanted to co-direct but they were technically the creme de la creme of skinflick directors as they go.
How many mainstream blockbuster or Cannes art-house directors would like to team up and do a film together as an example? Few would, since egos would clash.
Wynorski even did the second Swamp Thing movie as the most mainstream thing he did. Where he mostly padded the non-monstersuit scenes with scantly clad women of course. Yeah, Return of Swamp Thing was that kind of movie.
Let's see, page 34 of the book I'm reading right now...
*Rise and Fall of the Third Reich*
"Here General Ludendorff settled, along with a host of other disgruntled, discharged Army Officers. Here were plotted the political murders, among them that of Matthais Erzberger, the moderate Catholic politician who had had the courage to sign the armistice when the generals backed out;"
Yeah, that's not really "erotic" by any stretch of the imagination, don't know what the characters in this movie were thinking...
And pff, Carnosaur? You of course mean the upcoming review of "Tammy and the T-Rex."
Tammy and the T-Rex? Damn, Melissa McCarthy is really stretching if that's the direction they're going for a Tammy sequel.
(I know, I know.)
There is no way page 34 can be that hot. Let's see... Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. "Uncle Vernon strode to the fireplace and back, breathing so heavily that his black mustache rippled, his face purple with concentration."
Hmm, well pretty much 50% of that book is on the idiot uncle and his family that goes out of its way to show how idiotic and evil muggles (IE, not wonderfully chosen magic humans) are.
Still gotta say, they could have ended the war pretty easily by someone bringing along a police sniper to SHOOT Voldemort in the head. :D
Rule...er, PAGE 34 of The Picture of Dorian Gray:
"When Lord Henry entered the room, he found sitting in a rough shooting coat, smoking a cheroot and grumbling over The Times. "Well. Harry," said the old gentleman, "what brings you out so early? I thought you dandies never got up till two, and were not visible till five."
"Pure family affection, I assure you, Uncle George. I want to get something out of you.""
Well it IS Oscar Wilde, so I shouldn't be surprised.
Great review as always. This reminds me of Rock and Roll Nightmare with all the countless sex scenes and man on puppet action.
How can Amazon babes live with Dinosaurs on an island? The answer is very simple Brad: Life will find a way.
"She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose semen was like that of horses." (Ezekiel 34*)
*actually Ezekiel 23, but it fitted so well
No one fucks a velociraptor?What kind of crappy dinosaur sex movie is this?
Is this the one where the woman gets her tit torn of by a dinosaur?
OOO Toni Naples from Deathstalker 2! Does she finally get to show her own boobs in this one? :D
Crystal Pepsi may be back very soon!! HAZAH!
Page 34 of The Ninja Handbook
"The truth is you have a long road ahead of you. A road full of sharp, bladed, poisonous, bitey, teary, out-of-nowhere, weird (but like bad weird), furious, upside down, hard, reversed, multiplied, jumpy, underwater, ancient, pineappley things."
How can this possibly be a legit dinosaur movie if there isn't a dream sequence of the dino talking to the protagonist?
Before you go see Jurassic World tomorrow, you have to check out the movie's website, it's amazing! <a href="http://www.jurassicworld.com/" target="_blank">http://www.jurassicworld.com/</a>. It sets up the park as a real place in infinitesimal detail. I'm going to take a video of my going through it because, not only is it huge, I think they're going to change it when the movie comes out.
Well, good to know your comments section doesn't punch out HTML code, could be bad if someone wanted to hack you. Anyways, the web address again is: http://www.jurassicworld.com/
My turn at a Page 34, kept short?
"Well, should I fuck her or what?"
"I don't know," I say, "Sure, why not?"
Right to the point, I guess.
It's Less Than Zero btw. Although maybe Brad got it right away
I recognized Hagen's voice but I didn't know what from. I had to look it up he was the voice of Landon Ricketts in Red Dead Redemption. Pretty freakin awesome.
Well.... I'm reading Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide" at the moment .....
So I think I'll stay out of this page 34 joke pool thankyouverymuch!
Of course you'd be the one to mention that lame ass book.
How would you know it's lame?.... you're illiterate....
Oh, I see!....you know it's really kinda sweet that your boyfriend reads you a story before bedtime.... Aww <3
Because I've got an old copy packed away in a box of teenage hipster gear. Probably somewhere between "Pirating 101" and "Ninjitsu for Noobs".
Also, it's really shitty of you to try and use someone's sexual orientation as an insult but I guess I shouldn't expect any better.
The main gist of my put-down was my doubting that you've even read it.... or any other book for that matter.....
Then again, the fact that YOU think my assumption about your love life is 'an insult' says a lot more about YOU than it does about ME....
But hey.... I'm not the one who felt it necessary to make a personal 'drive-by slam' just because you happen to dislike the book I referenced.....so go haunt some other commenter - Ignatz.
I was gonna jump on the page 34 bandwagon by quoting saucy something from Salo, but I can't find my book.. Damnit 2nd Marquis De Sade book I can't find. So I'll quote page 34 from The Book of Enoch:
"Wisdom went forth to make her dwelling among the children of men,
And found no dwelling-place:
Wisdom returned t her place
And took her seat among the Angels."
"Shining Time Station" had a better Schemer.
Schemer reminds me of a shitty version of Chandler Bing from Friends.
"a/k/a Captain Josh Robert Thompson"? Hilarious. :)
I miss the days before Jurassic Park when the Tyrannosaurus Rex had more than ONE look.
Page 34 of Looking for Alaska:
She sat down on the bed. "Do you always sleep in your clothes?"
"Funny," she said. "You weren't wearing much last night." I just glared at her.
Eh, good enough.
LOL I was not expecting that L. Ron Hubbard biography! Did you get the whole set Brad?
My favorite dinosaur is the Dinosaurus.
Ah, once the trailer started, I recognized this movie and it brought back fond memories from my childhood. No joke, I was about 10 years old and my dad and I rented this from the local Blockbuster. Unfortunately, the box art on the front, nor the synapse on the back, told us anything about this movie, and judging by the title it didn't seem too bad. That changed quickly once we got it home and plugged it in. Less than 5 minutes later, I was staring at blue tits and my dad was going "What the fuck is this?" Ah, good times.
I wanna play, too!
Let's see, page 34 of "Captain Underpants and the Tyrannical Retaliation of the Turbo Toilet 2000" goes thusly:
"Suddenly, the Turbo Toilet 2000 leaped at Melvin. The tiny tattletale screamed as the malevolent miscreant chased him down the street, across the city, and into the empty, darkened hallways of Jerome Horowitz Elementary School."
CoreCon starts tomorrow here in Fargo/Moorhead! What would it take to get you to show up, Brad? (Not this year, of course, but maybe a year or 2 down the road?)
I remember renting this video around 1996 from the local gas station.
My friend and I gave it the MST3K treatment from our living room couch. Good memories successfully restored.
I'll tell you the problem with the filmmaking power that Fred Olen Ray and company used here, it didn't require any discipline to attain it. They saw what Steven Spielberg and Universal Pictures had done and they took it a step down. They didn't earn the knowledge for themselves, so they didn't take any responsibility for it. They copied off the geniuses that are Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast and crappy as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on Cinemax and a VHS tape, and now, (hits hand on desk) they're selling it.
What the heck is AVGN doing on the cover of Killer Nerd? o_O
This is a question unrelated to the video: How old is your cat Lloyd?
Of all the B-flicks, this just HAD to rip the footage off of the friggin' Carnosaur (of all things out there)!? That's LAAAME.
I don't think it's possible for Corman to rip off a movie he owns. 'Recycled' would probably be a better word.
Lloyd needs his own show on this site. He tries different kinds of cat foods, and tells us why he hates both Garfield movies. I'd watch it.
Griffin Drew is SO HOT
Soooo TRUE!!!! :)
They don't make breasts like those nowadays. As in, natural ones...
Roger Corman, Fred Olen Ray, AND Jim Wynorski? I can't tell you how hard that made me. Admittedly, it probably would have turned out better with just Wynorski. Sorority House Massacre 2 and 3 made me a lot less uncomfortable than this.
Those movies, hilariously for feminism and the country of Sweden, also pass the Bechdel Test.
And you haven't done 1984's Sheena, Queen of the Jungle yet?
Just in case. But you probably already know.
"how is it possible for a god to die"
Well, for with strange aeons, even death may die.
i tried page 34 of my warhammer vampire counts rule book.
"PAINTING THE UNDEAD"
the backbone of a vampire counts army is the large regiments of skeletons and zombies. these make up the main bulk of your force, so you will find yourself painting a considerable amount of bone and withered, decaying flesh."
well i tried.
Oh, if we're doing table top:
Pathfinder Inner Sea Gods, Pg 34
"Although Calistria’s followers recommend several works
of theater and literature as shining examples of how to
execute the perfect seduction or revenge, the only text
they hold as sacred is The Book of Joy. Some versions of this
guide to passion include illustrations of sexual positions,
instructions on reading and manipulating others’
emotions, or collected anecdotes on satisfying revenge
schemes to address various offenses; the sections included
in each temple’s unique copy of the text say much about the
temple’s leadership. Conservative cities sometimes make it
illegal to possess a copy, but mischievous Calistrians print
portions of the book as one-page “penny bibles” showing
the most erotic portions of the manuscript in the hope of
eliciting curiosity in the readers."
let me try the rule book.
"untold wonders and secrets exist for those skillful enough to find them."
hey! it actually works!
I'm gonna call a small foul on the charge of the sex being vanilla for two reasons:
1. The sex was in what amounts to a hot tub.
2. The guy's glasses were so fogged up it'd be tantamount to having on a blindfold.
While these still don't make the sex scene anywhere near the kinkiest sickest $#!+ you've ever seen it's put a little tang in your vanilla!
Forgot to say GREAT EPISODE!
HOLY SHIT! I REMEMBER THIS MOVIE FROM THE 90s! I always remembered this, but never knew the title. Thank you so much for reviewing this!!!!! Now you'll need to review a Cinemax female prison movie where two sisters (who are the main characters) and their mother's names are too April, May, and June.... I'm not even kidding about that............
Oh boy, thanks a lot for reviewing this, Snob! :) I LOVE this one. One of the rare movies that know how terrible their props and script is, and make fun of themselves. Plus, well... Griffen Drew. Need I say more?
Took me ages to find this movie as for a long time I only had a half of it recorded on VHS from a german channel.
Well at least if he did have a Bugs Bunny tattoo and they did shove a carrot up his ass we would at least know what's up doc?!
Pg.34 of Trainspotting
-Some day, aw this ticker stuff, n cancer n that, will aw be forgotten aboot, Malcolm ventured.
- Aw aye. Medical science. How's your Elsa by the way?
Kenny's voice dropped.
- She's gaun in fir another op. Fallopian tube job.
Apparently what they dae is...
Nina turned and left the room. All Malcolm seemed to want to talk about were the operations his wife had undergone to enable them to produce a child. The details made the tips of her fingers feel raw. Why did people assume that you wanted to hear that stuff? What sort of woman would go through all that just to produce a screaming brat? What sort of man would encourage her to do that? As she went to the hall, the doorbell rang. It was her Aunt Cathy and Uncle Davie. They had made good time from Leith out to Bonnyrigg. Cathy hugged Nina. - Oh darlin. Whair is she? Whair Alice? Nina liked her Auntie Cathy. She was the most outgoing of her aunts, and treated her like a person rather than a child. Cathy went over and hugged Alice, her sister-in-law, then her sister Irene, Nina's mother, and her brothers Kenny and Boab, in that order. Nina thought that the order was tasteful. Davie nodded sternly at everybody.
-Christ, ye didnae waste any time getting oot here in that auld van Davie, Boab said.
-Aye. The by-pass makes a difference. Pick it up just outside Portobellah, git off jist before Bonnyrigg, Davie explained dutifully. The bell went again. This time it was Doctor Sim, the family GP. Sim was alert and businesslike in stance, but sombre in expression. In his bearing he attempted to convey a measure of compassion, while still maintaining a pragmatic strength in order to give the family confidence. Sim thought he wasn't doing badly.
And I'm not translating the Scottish slang into English.
Page 34? Let's see...
"I let Sarissa pick us some food while I kept an eye out for anyone or anything suspicious. After about twenty seconds of that, I decided that it was an impossibility, and dialed it back to watching for anyone who rushed us with a knife, screaming."
"A world around us that hurries to go nowhere… while one of Warrior knows that where he is is all he truly owns… and all he ever really needs.
A journey created by the vehicle of one's mind takes him to places never captured on film… not yet abused by the censorship of the 'System'…"
Make a Will save against "insanity," bros!
So, is this like a meme, now?
“I guess you’d be unhappy,” Peter said, hugging her tighter against his side.
“I guess I would,” she said.
“Don’t let your mother change your mind, then.”
She closed her eyes, her relief even greater this time. He had understood. By some miracle.
“What do you think of me getting an abortion?” she asked after a while.
“My guess is that’s really what you wanted to talk about.”
Page 34: The Most Retarted Joke In This Comments Thread!
So is it wrong that I actually did jack off during Jurassic World? I'm sorry, those velociraptors are my weakness!
Don't be jealous of that actors voice. You sound like a young Jack Nicholson dude!
Are you going to review the Carnosaur series? it would be very awesome if you would, but if its just the first one that is ok, but if its the whole seres (and the spinoff/unofficial sequels like Raptor, The Eden Formula/Tyrannosaurus Wrecks and the Raptor Ranch movies) that would be even more entertaining!
I remember seeing this 'gem' on Netflix. Still amused that the dinosaur effects are actually WORSE than your average episode of "Land of the Lost".
Aww, I used to watch that show on Nickelodeon all the time back in the '90s! ^_^ Good times, man...good times... :D
The original one or the 90's remake? I never really saw the remake.
This is a stupid movie, but it's plenty of cheesy fun as most of Corman's films tend to be.
Some of the older archived videos of 2009 were brought over from the youtube account before thecinemasnob.com was created, so please forgive the lesser video quality of such as some did not transfer well.